


The Unimaginable Light You Hold Inside

by wyvanex



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Also Noor is Sanders age, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sander and Noor are roommates, but not too slow, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23242387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyvanex/pseuds/wyvanex
Summary: In which Robbe's life is turned upside down when Sander Driesen moves into the flat across from his.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans, sander/robbe
Comments: 31
Kudos: 238





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fic, so sorry if it seems ooc! Feel free to leave suggestions :) I'm planning on this being six chapters. 
> 
> Title is from Light By Sleeping At Last

Robbe woke up late that Saturday. Again… Zoe kept nagging him about how you would never get anything productive done if you started your day at noon, yet here he was walking shamefully into the kitchen for breakfast at 12:37. Zoe and Senne were already there, and Senne was typing something on his laptop, probably a paper for university, while Zoe was crouched down peering into the oven. The kitchen smelled heavenly.  
“Mmmm” Robbe sighed breathing in the chocolate aroma. “What are you making?” He asked. Zoe threw him a judgmental look.  
“Nothing for you late riser. I’m going to bring them over to the new neighbors.”  
“New neighbors? Somebody rented Maries place?” The unit across from theirs had been empty for the last two months after Marie -who was in her sixties and owned three cats who seemed as old as her - had moved out.  
Zoe nodded getting up from her perch near the oven.  
“Two art students, they are moving in this weekend. I’m going to bring this over to them, try to make nice.” Robbe nodded, selfishly hoping that Zoe would let him sneak a cookie or two. That was an appropriate breakfast, right?  
He felt his phone buzz in his pajama pants pocket. It was the broerrs group chat. Moyo was suggesting going skating later in the day. Robbe chose to ignore the message. Things had been awkward with his friends to say the least since he came out to them last month. While they had tried to be supportive (Aaron and Jens more than Moyo) Robbe could tell that things had subtly changed. They stopped talking about sex as much around him, and the casual touches they once exchanged were now few and far between. Things one on one with Jens were good, but in the big group Robbe couldn’t help but feel like an outsider. When he had complained to Milan about this Milan had explained that when he had come out he had lost a lot of his friends but made new ones who accepted him. But Robbe didn’t want that. He was still the same person he had always been, why should he need new friends? Still he couldn’t bring himself to text Moyo back. Instead he settled into the chair next to Senne, and started to un peel a slightly mushy banana. At least nothing had changed at the flat share. Sure Milan teased him about being his “guru” and Zoe told him about boys at their high school she thought he would be cute with, but they still looked at him the same. Zoe’s phone pinged, startling Robbe from his thoughts.  
“Oh shit!” She exclaimed. “I totally forgot I was supposed to meet Jana for this movie.” She looked helplessly at the cookies in the oven. “Robbe, could you bring them over when they are done?” She gave him a pleading look. “I set a timer all you need to do is package them up!”  
So this is how Robbe found himself standing outside Marie’s old apartment holding a tubberware container of cookies in one hand while his other hand hovered over the knocker. He was about to count down in his hand before thinking, screw it, and before his nerves could get the best of him he banged twice on the door. Around ten seconds later the door swung open and a girl a little older than him stood before him. Her brown hair was cut in a blunt bob and bangs partially covered her warm face. Tattoos on her arms and paint splattered jeans matched what Robbe thought when he pictured art student.  
“Hi” he said and thrust the cookies awkwardly at her. “Um I’m Robbe, I live across the hall. My roommate Zoe made these, not me, I can’t cook or bake anything really.” Not the best start.  
“I’m Noor.” She said taking the cookies from him. She lifted the container up to her nose. “These smell so good, tell Zoe thank you for these. And thank you for bringing them over. You wanna come in?” Robbe nodded, stepping over the threshold and into the apartment. It had the same layout as theirs, and already the walls were decorated by bright paintings, smudgy charcoal sketches, and a few black and white photographs.  
“Sorry about the smell” Noor said, leading him into the kitchen. “It came with the place, the owner before us had..”  
“Cats” Robbe finished for her. “Yeah I took care of them once.” Cats loved Robbe for some reason. Milan joked Robbe was like Snow White, animals seemed to flock to him.  
They had reached the kitchen, and Noor set down the cookies on the counter. Robbe looked around, it was weird being in a space identical to the one he had been in five minutes ago, but with different inhabitants. Even though they hadn’t fully moved in yet Noor and her roommate had already put their subtle stamp on the place. Their dish towels hung on different spots, their table was smaller. There was a large lightening bolt magnet on the fridge, which Robbe walked over to examine.  
“Thats my roommates, he’s in love with Bowie.” Noor explained, and Robbe could hear the eye roll in her tone.  
“You’re just jealous he gets all my attention, Noor.” A voice came from behind Robbe. When Robbe turned around, he saw the voice belonged to a boy standing in the entry way to the kitchen. A few weeks Robbe had attempted a particularly tricky stunt at the skate park. Instead of nailing it he had messed up and his board had gone flying out from under him, resulting in him landing flat on his back, the wind completely knocked out of him. That was roughly how Robbe felt like now, staring at the boy. Robbe had seen plenty of cute boys before, but this boy was something else. He was a little taller than Robbe and clad in all black. He had platinum blonde hair and green eyes and a cocky smirk on his face as if he knew exactly what he was doing to Robbe.  
Noor seemed oblivious to the mini heart attack Robbe was having across the room. “This is my roommate Sander. Sander, this is Robbe. He lives across the hall and he brought us cookies.” Sander strode over to where the cookies sat on the countertop and inspected them.  
“Do these have chocolate in them?” He asked. It took Robbe a minute to register that he was addressing him.  
“Oh uh… yes,” Robbe said, it took him a lot longer to respond to the question than it should have, considering they were chocolate chip cookies…  
Sander sighed disappointed. “Sorry, I can’t have any. I’m deathly allergic.”  
Robbe struggled to come up with a response, being allergic to chocolate… he couldn’t imagine.  
“He’s fucking with you.” Noor said flatly. Oh. Sander chuckled and undid the lid of the container, taking a generous bite of one of the cookies. He chewed thoughtfully, tapping his finger on his chin in thought.  
“Very good. That will be four and a half stars on booking.” Robbe felt a small laugh escape him. He also felt the need to defend Zoe’s baking.  
“Not five?”  
“Nah, I give out five stars right away, how am I going to get you to come back? By holding out on you I make sure you come back.” Sander explained. Robbe was sure he would be back, even if Sander gave him a thousand stars on booking. He was also sure that Sanders words under certain circumstances could be considered flirtatious. Or was he imagining things? They talked for a little while longer, Noor explaining they were both first years studying art in University, that they had met in high school as they both liked to spray paint. Robbe felt a little lame sharing that he was still in high school and that he had two years to go. He shared that he lived in the flat share with Milan, Zoe and Senne trying to explain them in as flattering a way as possible. Even though he didn’t think anything that he was sharing was particularly interesting Sander listened intently, his eyes trained on Robbe. Who knew someone could look so hot while engaging in a conversation about rent prices in Antwerp?  
When Robbe had to leave, Sander walked him to the door.  
“So Robin, can I rely on you next time I need a cup of flour?” Normally the changing of his name would have annoyed Robbe, but like everything Sander seemed to do, Robbe found it endearing.  
“As long as you don’t play your music too loud.” Robbe joked back.  
“Even if its Bowie?”  
“Even Bowie.” Robbe responded, and Sander clutched at his chest, clearly offended.  
“Robin! And here I was thinking we were going to get along.”  
“Am I down to four stars on booking?”  
“After insulting Bowie? You’d be lucky if you’re above three.”  
“I’ll have to make it up to you then.” Robbe responded, a wave of boldness washing over him. They had reached the door way, and they stood in the doorway Sander giving him that damn smirk.  
“I sure hope so.”  
As he entered his own apartment, Robbe could only form one coherent thought. He was well and truly fucked.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sander cooks for Robbe, Milan plays match maker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! In this chapter, I adapt one of my favorite scenes from canon! There are definitely some elements you guys will recognize but I also made some changes.

Robbe stared helplessly at the small assortment of ingredients he had pulled out of the cupboard. It was Thursday and therefore his turn to make dinner for his flat mates but he had completely spaced and forgotten to go grocery shopping. Now he was left to make something with a jar of paprika, some bread, olives and a box of speculoos. This wasn’t like him, he was usually responsible and never liked to slack off when people were counting on him. However it hadn’t been a great week. He had visited his mom twice this week at the hospital and each time he felt sick with guilt when he left her. He hadn’t gotten the grade he wanted on his literature assignment despite putting lots of time and effort into it, and things were just getting more awkward with his friends. On Tuesday he and his friends had walked to lunch, and had passed two boys kissing and holding hands. Moyo had opened his mouth to say something, and Robbe had caught Jens not so subtly elbow him and give him a dirty look. Moyo had shut his mouth like a reprimanded toddler, but still Robbe felt heat flooding his face. While he knew coming out was the right decision, he was so angry at his friends for treating him differently. All he wanted to do was curl up in bed or play video games to get his mind off things, but instead he had to make dinner for four people.  
He thought briefly about ordering food for his flatmates, but he had just payed the rent, and knew he didn’t have the money. He was just about to call Zoe and explain the situation when he heard a knock on the door. He closed the cupboard and walked to the door, suspecting one of his roommates had forgotten their keys.  
Instead, he was greeted with a bright smile and a head of platinum blonde hair. Sander. Robbe’s thoughts had continuously drifted back to his new neighbor throughout the week. The sound of his voice, the excitement on his face when he talked about Bowie, the way his jeans had fit-  
‘Hey” Robbe said, forcefully pushing those thoughts out of his head. In his hands Sander held the tubberware container where the cookies had been.  
“I think this belongs to you.” Sander said passing the container to him. Robbe took it and watched as Sander stepped into his apartment with the comfort of someone who was a frequent visitor. Robbe couldn’t help but be jealous with how comfortable he seemed in an unknown space. For so long, Robbe had felt like a foreigner in his own skin.  
“How long have you lived here?” Sander asked.  
“Only a couple months, I moved in at the start of the school year.” Robbe chose to exclude a few key details such as the fact that he had come here after his mama had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital, not wanting to live under his fathers roof.  
“It’s weird.” Sander remarked. “All through high school I wanted to live on my own, have some freedom. Now a week away from my mother, and I already miss her terribly.” Robbe nodded, unable to tell Sander just how true his words rang. He wanted to tell Sander it would get better, but it hadn’t so far. At least not for him.  
“Do you want anything to drink?” He asked instead. A small smile appeared on Sanders face, breaking the thoughtful frown that had previously occupied his features.  
“Do you have water?”  
“I’m not sure, I’d have to check the kitchen” Robbe teased back. As Robbe poured him a glass of water, he decided he liked having Sander in his space. He made things seem bigger, brighter. A mundane task such as pouring a glass of water was made more exciting at the prospect of their fingers brushing when the transfer was made.  
Sander examined the ingredients on the counter. Just by the smirk on his face, Robbe could tell he was about to make fun of him.  
“This is actually one of my favorite recipes. Paprika toast with olives and speculoos on the side.” Robbe rolled his eyes.  
“Its my turn to make dinner for my roommates, but I didn’t go grocery shopping so this is what I’m working with.” Sander nodded.  
“If only you had cheese and butter.” Robbe walked over to the fridge.  
“I think we might have some butter somewhere in here.” Before he knew it Sander was coming up behind him, his chest pressed against Robbe's back, his head looking over Robbe’s shoulder. Robbe worked hard to suppress a shiver.  
“Aha!” Sander exclaimed, reaching over Robbe to grab a stick of butter.  
“I don’t see any cheese though.” Robbe commented, still feeling slightly dazed.  
“Thats okay, I can get some from my fridge.” Sander placed the butter on the counter and started to head out of the room.  
“Sander, thats okay, you don’t have to do that.” Robbe assured him. Sander shrugged.  
“You cooked for me, remember?”  
“Actually that was my roommate Zoe.”  
“Well you delivered it.” Before Robbe could protest further Sander was on his way to the door, the quick movement of his hair similar to that of a lightening bolt.  
He returned with a few slices of cheese and a triumphant expression on his face. He began to rummage through the cupboards, pulling out a pan.  
“You don’t need to cook” Robbe insisted.  
“Can you guess what I’m making?” Sander asked, ignoring him. Robbe surveyed the ingredients Sander had picked out. Bread, butter and cheese.  
“Croques?” He guessed.  
“No, no Robbe not just croques.” He shook his head in shame, as if Robbe had just said something particularly stupid. Robbe wondered how anyone could have this much energy on a Thursday afternoon. “The best croques ever.”  
“Ahhh” Robbe nodded, playing along.  
“Get ready to be mind blown.” Like a student in a particularly engaging lecture, Robbe watched as Sander got to work. How he he delicately unfolded the butter from its wrapper, and the way his fingers wrapped around the knife. He finally tore his eyes away from Sanders hand’s when he realized his staring might come off as creepy.  
“Are you sure there isn’t anything I can do to help?” He asked, feeling useless as Sander was cooking dinner for Robbe’s roommates.  
“How about some music?” Sander suggested. Robbe nodded, eager to be of use. He grabbed his phone and was about to pull up the newest Stormzy album, when Sander interrupted him. “But not just any music. Bowie.” Ah yes, Robbe had almost forgotten about Sander’s obsession with the English musician.  
“Okay.” Robbe agreed. “Any song in particular?” Sander looked at him skeptically.  
“Do you know any Bowie songs?”  
“Sure I do!” Robbe clutched at his chest, feeling the need to defend himself.  
“Name one.” Sander said looking smug.  
“Space cowboy, isn’t that one of them?” Sander laughed, his eyes crinkling up.  
“Ah yes, Bowie’s greatest hit, Space Cowboy, winner of three-“  
“Alright, alright” Robbe interrupted him, feeling his cheeks go pink. “Which song do you want me to play?”  
“Pull up my Spotify.” Sander instructed. “My username is earthlingoddity, its a play on Space Oddity, you know, the actual David Bowie song.” Robbe gave him a look but typed the name into Spotify. He pulled up Sanders profile, which had a single playlist aptly named Bowie. He pressed shuffle, and a song called “Rebel Rebel” started playing. Sander began to sing along, and he tipped his head back, exposing the column of his throat. Robbe suddenly became very interested in Bowies album cover displayed on his phone.  
“Why do you like Bowie so much?” Robbe asked. It took a moment for Sander to respond, and when Robbe looked over at him he was lost in thought.  
“I guess he embodies what I want to be in a artist.” He finally said. “I mean I’m no musician, but I want to be able to express myself like he does. He wasn’t trying to be like anybody else when he performed, he was just showing people exactly who he was, with no fear of being judged. And I want to be like that. I want to be that brave” Robbe felt like through asking this question, he had broken off a piece of Sanders lustrous shell, he was seeing a new layer of the boy. He suddenly wanted to do the same, to show Sander a piece of himself which he kept hidden from the light, a piece of himself he had buried under layers of clothes and girlfriends and - The apartment door opened.  
“Something smells good.” A voice called out. Robbe felt irrationally angry.  
“That’s my roommate Milan.” Robbe explained. Sander nodded, and he grabbed a plate to put the croques on. Milan walked into the room and stopped in his tracks when he saw Sander.  
“And who is this?” Milan asked, looking at Robbe with glee in his eyes. Oh no. Ever since Robbe had come out to Milan, Milan had been desperate to find Robbe a boyfriend. While Robbe appreciated Milan caring about him and his happiness, there were about a dozen other people Robbe would choose as his wingman before Milan.  
“I’m Sander.” Sander said. He had just turned the stove off, and went over to shake hands with Milan. “I just moved in next door.”  
“Well you are definitely an upgrade from the former tenant.” Milan exclaimed. Robbe wanted to disappear. “But what are you doing in our kitchen, may I ask?”  
“Sander was kind enough to make dinner.” Robbe said through gritted teeth. He tried to send Milan a message with his eyes. Back off. Milan ignored him.  
“A man who cooks!” Sander, for his part, didn’t seem to be bothered and chuckled at Milans comments.  
“Speaking of cooking, I should probably get going. Noor likes us to eat dinner together.”  
“Oh okay.” Robbe responded, feeling both relieved and disappointed. “Thank you so much for this, it was..” He paused remembering there exchange from last time. “Five stars on booking.”  
“That’s a pretty high rating from someone who hasn’t tasted them yet.”  
“You were the one who said I’d be mind blown.” Sander smiled at him, and something in Robbe unraveled slightly.  
“Can I walk you out?” He asked, his voice strangled.  
A minute later he returned to the kitchen, where Milan was waiting for him, a big smile plastered on his face.  
“What?” Robbe blurted out, though he knew exactly what Milan was smiling about.  
“You’ve done very well for yourself Mr. Ijzermans.”  
“Me and Sander?” Robbe scoffed, but he could feel his cheeks getting hot. “Milan, there was nothing going on there.”  
“Ah yes, the looks the two of you were giving each other were very platonic. Just two bros chilling.” Robbe made a noise of protest, but Milan continued on. “I mean I don’t get you Robbe. You say you are into guys, and then you have Jack Frost’s sexy cousin, cooking for you and giving you heart eyes and you say you aren’t interested.”  
“I am interested okay!” Robbe admitted, choosing to ignore Milans nickname for Sander.  
“Then whats the issue?” Milan asked.  
Robbe sighed. “I mean I barely know the guy, he’s in college, and for all I know he has a girlfriend and he’s not into guys or..”  
“Well theres only one way you can find that out.” Milan pointed out.  
“I’m not like you Milan” Robbe protested. “I’ve never even kissed a guy, I would never know how to ask Sander if..”  
“Okay, Okay” Milan said, and his tone had changed to sympathetic. “You can go at any pace you want Robbe. I’m just going off the way he’s looking at you.” While Robbe wanted to believe Milan’s words, he couldn’t help but think, why? Why would a guy like Sander look at Robbe like that? Sander had spoken so highly about individuality and the courage of being himself, how could he ever like someone like Robbe who had spent years trying to hide who he truly was?  
Later that night, right before he was about to go to bed, he got a new message on his phone. From Sander Driesen.  
  
Better study up, Level One Bowie exam next time we hang. P.S best croques ever right??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it :) I will try to update soon! If you have any questions or notes feel free to comment below!


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbe and Jens clash, Robbe and Sander grow closer as a piece of Sander's past is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Online school took a bit of getting used to but I'm back! Thank you so much to those of you have left comments, they have made me so happy and left a big smile on my face :))  
> A few points to make:  
> There is reference to homophobic behavior in this chapter, so just a warning there. Also Jens doesn't come across great in this chapter. I didn't realize how much unresolved anger I had with the boy squad until I started writing this chapter. I do believe in character development and growth though, so if you're angry with how I'm writing Jens now, don't worry!! I'm not in love with this chapter and its not closely proof read so I'm sorry if its not great. I've also never been to a club before, so who knows if this is accurate!

“Who are you texting?” Jen asked from across the lunch table. Robbe instinctively shut his phone off, setting it next to his untouched sandwich.  
“Nobody” He answers.  
“So you were just checking out the keyboard on messenger?” Its the type of comment Robbe would have found funny if it was directed at someone else. But now he just scowled. He didn’t know why he hadn’t told Jens about Sander. It wasn’t like there was anything to tell. Sander had moved in a little less than two weeks ago, he’d come over twice, once to cook and once to drink beer. They texted a lot, Sander sending him songs he liked, teasing him about how he couldn’t cook, Robbe sending him memes he found funny, complaining about Milan’s antics. There wasn’t anything to suggest that there was anything but a friendship going on. So why did it feel so private? Maybe Robbe felt like Jens would see right through him if he talked about Sander, and he would be forced into a conversation he wasn’t ready to have.  
“Forget it.” Jens said. He took a long swig of his soda. He and Jens shared the same lunch period, unlike Moyo and Aaron, and Robbe liked having his best friend to himself for forty minutes each day. “Moyo said we could over on Friday, get shitfaced, play video games, you in?” Robbe was about to agree when he remembered.  
“I can’t Friday.” Last night over FaceTime Sander had invited him to Noor’s birthday party. At first he had said he had felt weird about going, but Sander talked him into it.  
“She said she wants you to come, she wants to get to know you. It’s going to be super fun, and I can introduce you to all these people we go to school with!” Even in the the dark light of his bedroom, Sander’s face had shone bright.  
“I don’t want to feel like I’m intruding or anything” Robbe had argued.  
“It’s at this huge club, trust me we’re not going to go around a table and talk about all our favorite memories together.” And then Sander had said something that had made Robbe’s stomach flip. “I want you there.” So Robbe had agreed, and now he had to come up with a story to tell Jens.  
“I have a thing with a friend” he landed on. Jens frowned at him.  
“What other friends do you have?” He asked. He said it as a joke but it still stung.  
“I have plenty of other friends.”  
“Okay” Jens put his hands up in the air in surrender. “Can I ask who they are?”  
“The people in the flat across from mine” Robbe answered, hoping Jens wouldn’t press.  
“That sixty year old woman? The one with a lot of cats?”  
“She moved out” Robbe said quickly. “There’s some new college students who just moved in.”  
“What are there names?” He asked. Robbe knew these were perfectly rational questions, but he couldn’t help but be annoyed.  
“Why are you so curious? I’m allowed to have other friends aren’t I?” Jens scowled at him  
“Yeah? Why are you being so defensive?” Looking back, Robbe wished he had left it be and apologized there. Instead the annoyance and hurt that had been building up in him since last month finally burst.  
“I’m just pissed off that you think its weird that I made new friends, when you and the broerrs have been acting the way you have.”  
“What do you mean?” The look of genuine confusion on Jen’s face made something in Robbe’s chest clench. Half in regret for starting a fight, half in anger for his ignorance.  
“Don’t you see it Jens?” A look passed over Jen’s face that might have been understanding, but Robbe kept going before he could speak.  
“You don’t see the way Moyo looks at me? Or the fact that he used to call me a slur all the time and you and Aaron just sat there? Of course I’m looking for new friends Jens!” Jens was staring at him a look of hurt. People at the lunch tables near them had started to stare. Robbe felt his face turn red. “Forget it.” He mumbled swinging his backpack over his shoulder and hastily grabbing his sandwich. He exited, ignoring the raised eyebrows of the lady at the cashier. Yelling at his best friend and making a scene at their favorite cafe definitely hadn’t been on his to do list for that day but here he was. Friday couldn’t come soon enough. 

Robbe lay on his back in his bed, listening to the playlist Sander had sent him. He was leaving for the club in ten minutes and was going to bike over with Sander. He couldn’t help but replay the argument he had with Jen’s that Wednesday. He had avoided him for the last two days, eating lunch with Yasmina in the library, and not replying to his texts asking to hang out. If he’d felt isolated before he felt even worse now, but he couldn’t help the anger and hurt he felt for Jens. He’d told Milan about it, and he’d done his best to assure him that things would go back to normal, and he had to give Jens a chance to apologize. Apologizing wasn’t really Jen’s thing. They rarely fought and when they did the next time they met they would just ride a wave of awkwardness for a little while until they both decided to forget anything happened. Robbe doubted Jens really wanted to sit down and talk about their feelings. Robbe knew his best friend cared about him, he didn’t doubt that. He just thought that Jens didn’t realize the impact the groups actions had on him. And Robbe hadn’t told him, instead he had let his hurt build up for years and now he worried that the gap that had grown between him and his friends was too wide to fix. He thought that by coming out to them, by sharing that piece of him and seeing how they reacted he was taking a step forward. Either they would accept him, and he could rebuild the bond with them, or they would reject him and at least he would leave for good. Instead, they had given him half of what he wanted, outward acceptance, while in reality he felt the divide between them grow even wider.  
A knock on the door startled him from his thoughts. He got out his bed, checking his hair in the mirror on the way out of his bedroom. When he opened the door he couldn’t help but give Sander an appreciative once over, he was wearing a dark blue button down and black jeans.  
“You ready to go?” Sander asked, tilting his head toward the elevator. Robbe nodded, pushing back all of his thoughts in favor of having a night out with his crush.

Sander was right, the club was huge. Music poured out from the doors, and they had to wait to stand outside for ten minutes while Sander tried to get in touch with Noor to let them in. At one point someone jostled Robbe and he tumbled into Sander, colliding with his chest.  
“Sorry” He mumbled, but when he looked up, Sander was looking up with a fond expression on his face. Robbe’s face burned, but he couldn’t help but catalogue Sander’s scent. It was a mix of weed and cologne, and something signature that Robbe couldn’t put his finger on. He added it to the list of things that he knew about the boy, a list he was constantly updating.  
Noor came out of the main door of the club, already looking a little drunk. Her birthday hat was askew on her head, and her cheeks shone with glitter.  
“You guys came!” She exclaimed, pulling them into a hug.  
“Did you think we weren’t going to?” Sander laughed, and Robbe was close enough to feel his chest vibrate slightly from it. She opened her mouth like she was going to respond but instead she wobbled slightly and Sander reached out his arms to steady her. Sander led her over to the bouncer, his arms on her shoulders like they were going to start a train. After a brief exchange they were let in, and Sander grabbed Robbe’s arm to lead him over to the bar. The bartender was red haired and had a sleeve of tattoos on her left arm. She was currently shouting at a guy to take his order over the loud music.  
“What do you think?” Sander asked, his voice in Robbe’s ear. “Gin tonic?”  
“I’m more of a whiskey man”  
“A whiskey man?” Sander laughed. “Tell you what. I’ll order the gin tonic and you order the whiskey, but we have to try each others drink. That way you’ll see I have superior taste.”  
“Okay” Robbe agreed. In a couple minutes their drinks were served and Sander handed Robbe his Gin tonic. He took a small sip, and tilted his head back, mimicking Sander trying Zoe’s cookies the day they had met.  
“That’ll be zero stars on booking” He decided.  
“Zero?” Sander exclaimed, incredulous, “you’re a tough man to please.” Robbe shrugged.  
“I like this.” He took a long sip of his whiskey.  
“Give me that.” Sander demanded prying Robbe’s cup out his hands, he took a sip of Robbe’s whiskey.  
“Well?” Robbe asked laughing.  
“Four stars.” He said grudgingly, handing the cup back to him “But the gin tonic is five!”  
“Fair enough.” Robbe said, laughing.  
“Come” Sander said, tilting his chin again. “I want you to meet some of my friends.” He and Sander took off on a hunt around the club to find Sander’s friends. Red strobe lights danced off everyones faces, and “dance monkey” blasted off the speakers. Robbe held on to his whiskey tightly, but it still sloshed on his shirt once or twice. Under the dark lights Sanders white hair looked like a halo, and Robbe couldn’t help but notice that even in the dark crowd of bodies Sander stood out.  
“Aha!” Sander exclaimed, when he reached a crowd of people. Sander put his hands on the shoulders of a tall, dark skinned boy. The boy as well as a girl and another boy all turned around and embraced Sander. Robbe stood there awkwardly, waiting to be introduced. “Guys this is Robbe, my new neighbor I was telling you about.” Robbe nodded, hoping he came off cooler than he felt. “This is Mathis” Sander pointed to the boy he had grabbed the shoulders of, he was dressed in a long white t shirt with rips, and he gave Robbe a wide smile. “This is Sofie.” Sofie’s blonde hair was pulled up and she had a tattoo of a dragon on her neck. She pulled Robbe in for a hug, which took him a moment to respond to, startled by the warm gesture. “And this is Gabriel” The second boy was tall with dark hair and a tight black t shirt and like the rest of Sanders friends he gave off an inexplicably cool vibe.  
“So Robbe, Sander’s shit at making friends” Gabriel joked “how’d he woo you?” Sander made a noise of protest and Robbe laughed.  
“He cooked me croques and made me a David Bowie playlist”  
“Croques!” Mathis exclaimed, “Sander, you must really like him!” Robbe smiled, this night was going much better than he had expected. His crappy week at school seemed to fade into the rearview as he joked around with Sander and his friends.  
“Sander?” A new voice entered the conversation. It didn’t match everyone else playful manner. “You’re here.” Robbe matched the voice to the new girl who had entered their circle. It was Britt, Jen’s ex-girlfriend. Robbe frowned, confused as to why they knew each other.  
“Yeah.” Sander responded, his voice clipped. “Noor’s my best friend.” Britt looked at him as if this statement deeply offended her. Then Robbe watched as her posture changed, her shoulders moved back and she stood up a little taller, throwing her hair behind her shoulder.  
“Are you going to ask me to dance?” Oh. Robbe’s heart sank as the dynamic between them seemed to clear up. Sander laughed humorlessly.  
“No.” He said flatly. Robbe saw Sofie wince. Britt looked a little hurt but she didn’t give up.  
“And why not?” She asked. Sofie stepped in front of where the two of them were talking, and Mathis and Gabriel followed suit, blocking Robbe’s view of them and giving the pair some privacy.  
“So..” Sofie started awkwardly. “Robbe, you’re in high school.” It took Robbe a moment to respond, as he was straining to hear what was going on between Britt and Sander.  
“Oh..uh yeah I go to…” He was interrupted by a yell and Sanders friends turned around to reveal Britt storming away, Sander fuming as Britt’s drink dripped down his face. The scene was almost comical, but nobody was laughing. Instead, everyone watched silently as Sander stalked off in the opposite direction.  
“Shit.” Mathis said. “We should probably give him time to cool off.” Robbe was usually a good listener, but as soon as Sander’s friends looked away, he took off after Sander.  
He was in the mens restroom hunched over the sink, washing his face.  
“Are you okay?” Robbe asked, approaching him slowly. Sander looked at him, and any anger that was on his face cleared when he saw Robbe.  
“You know I think you might be right about this gin tonic” He said. “Now that I’ve experienced it going up my nose, I can’t say I’m a fan of it.”  
“I’m sorry you had to find out like that, but it’s good you know the truth.” Robbe joked back. Sander gave him a serious look. Robbe knew what was coming.  
“She was my girlfriend” It hurt just as much as Robbe thought it would. “We ended things last month, and she just doesn’t get it. We can’t stand each other but she won’t just..” He trailed off, clenching his fists. Robbe resisted the urge to reach out, to put a hand on Sander’s shoulder or do something to make him feel better.  
“Do you want to go?” He asked instead. Sander shook his head vehemently.  
“Nah, fuck her. I’m not going to let her ruin Noor’s birthday, or my night with you.” He smiled a little, and Robbe’s heart hurt. “Besides, I haven’t wowed you with my dancing yet.”  
“No,” Robbe agreed. “You haven’t.”  
And for the third time that night, Sander tilted his head, this time in the direction of the dance floor “come.”


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sander and Robbe talk, leaving Robbe to confront some big questions about their relationship and his feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I'm sorry I've been crap at updating. I still really care about this fic and I intend on finishing it. That being said I've really been going through it personally and I was not in the right headspace for writing. I'm hoping that now that I'm feeling better updates will come more regularly. 
> 
> Warning for unfunny and potentially homophobic jokes

Robbe was never drinking again. At least thats what he told himself as he lay in bed that Saturday his stomach churning. He and Sander had stayed at the club late dancing with Sanders friends and enjoying their fair share of drinks. Robbe’s throat hurt from yelling over the music and the light streaming into his bedroom felt like a drill digging into his skull, but he still felt a bone deep happiness. He couldn’t get the image out of his head of Sander jumping up and down on the dance floor waving his arms in a manner that showed he didn’t care about looking stupid. And while yes, he did look a little stupid, he also looked angelic. The strobe lights illuminating the bright smile on his face, the sweat slicking his hair up. He sang along to music at times, and he showed that not only did he have limited singing ability but he also had little knowledge of the lyrics of the songs he was singing along to. Robbe was captivated. He wondered how anyone at the club could look at Sander and not think to themselves; this is the person I want. All the other crushes Robbe had had before Sander seemed trivial and insignificant. They had made Robbe’s heart flutter, had given him the occasional butterfly. But Sander, Sander made Robbe ache.  
Milan knocked on Robbe’s door, and Robbe groaned loudly. Milan was already dressed and ready for the day, wearing his trademark bright smile.  
“Ah.” Milan said, surveying Robbe. “I see you are awake.”  
“I’m going to start my morning slowly.” Robbe replied covering his eyes.  
“I think the morning has passed.” Milan said, sounding amused. “But there’s someone here that would like to help you start your afternoon.” Robbe opened his eyes to see Sander standing in the doorway. He had a tired smile on his face and had a paper plate of food in his hands.  
“Can I come in?” Sander asked. It took Robbe a moment to process that Sander was coming into his bedroom, but Robbe made an inarticulate sound that Sander must have correctly interpreted as a yes, as he walked into Robbe’s room sitting down on the edge of his bed. Milan caught Robbe’s eye in the doorway, winking at him and then closing the door leaving the two of them alone. Robbe swallowed the anxiety he felt and instead focused on the plate Sander had in front of him.  
“Croques.” He smiled.  
“Yeah” Sander responded. “You’ll soon learn this is the only thing I can make. It’s good drunk food but-“  
‘Good” Robbe interrupted. “Because I definitely still have alcohol in my system.” He took one of the croques and took a small bite, weary of his stomach.  
“Lucky.” Sander grumbled. “Noor and I took turns on the toilet last night vomiting all the alcohol out of our systems.”  
“What about the gin tonic up your nose?” Robbe teased. Sander rolled his eyes.  
“Well I can’t seem to get rid of Britt, so with my luck the drink she threw at me is still there too.” The mood in the room shifted slightly.  
“How long were you guys together?” Robbe asked, though he felt this line of questioning was only going to result in him getting hurt.  
“Six months, on and off.” Sander shrugged, he had chosen his own croque and was nibbling on it nervously. “Noor and her are childhood friends, so we met through her.”  
“Did she set you guys up?” Robbe asked.  
“God no, Noor knew we wouldn’t work. We both have short fuses and….” Sander trailed off. Robbe gave him time. “I was walking on eggshells, the entire time. I wasn’t a great boyfriend either. The only difference is that now I’m able to recognize we shouldn’t be together. She still seems to be operating under the delusional idea that a couple that spends all their time fighting is somehow good for each other. That we need each other. That I need her specifically” Sander pressed a hand to his face. Robbe wanted to reach out and remove his hand, to hold it in his own. “Sorry.. I didn’t mean to dump all my problems on you.”  
“I don’t mind.” Robbe answered. “It’s nice knowing I’m not the only one who doesn’t have their shit sorted.” Sander nodded, understanding.  
“Wanna talk about it?” Sander asked. Robbe considered, Sander had just been very vulnerable with him, and Robbe had felt closer to him by listening. He decided to advance cautiously.  
“I guess I’m just having some trouble with my friends.” He said. Sander nodded.  
“Trouble how?”  
“I guess I’ve just felt excluded. Like I’m part of the group but I feel like an outsider. Like every time I arrive they just finished talking about me. Its been going on for a while and lately its gotten worse and I don’t know how to fix it.” Sander was listening thoughtfully.  
“How do you feel like an outsider?” This was the moment. Robbe could either embrace who he was and take a risk or he could revert back to how he had acted for the first sixteen years of his life. Its now or never he thought.  
“Well I came out to them a couple months ago… So I guess thats made things hard.” He stared intently at his bedspread. He cautiously looked up at Sander. He hadn’t stormed off or threw the plate of croques in Robbe’s face. That was a good sign. He gave Robbe a sad smile.  
“You deserve friends who don’t treat you differently because of who you like. I wish I could meet these friends of yours and grab them by the shoulders and shake them and tell them how lucky they are to have someone like you in their lives.” Robbe’s heart stuttered. “You know when I first met you, all I could think about was how fucking sweet you were. I’d been feeling scared about moving away from home and you showed up with those cookies and I immediately felt at ease. I know I just met you, but I already know that you are such a good person. And if you’re friends can’t see that? Then screw them.” Robbe’s heart felt like it was going to burst. He’d never had someone speak to him the way, Sander just had. He’d never had someone make him feel so appreciated.  
“Thank you.” Robbe finally managed. “I’ve never.. thank you.” Sander smiled at him.  
“Its the truth. Now you’ve got to promise me something, if your friends aren’t treating you right you’ve gotta stand up for yourself, okay? You’ve gotta demand better.” Robbe nodded, and he could feel that he was blushing profusely.  
“I wanna hear you say it.” Sander said, catching Robbe’s eye.  
“I’m gonna demand better.” Robbe confirmed.  
“Okay, okay good.” Sander nodded.  
“What are you gonna do?” Robbe asked. “Block her number?” He wanted to give Sander advice that helped him in the way he had helped Robbe.  
“Oh I’m gonna do more than just block her number.” Sander declared. “I’m gonna stop with relationships all together. They’re clearly not doing me any good.”  
“What?” Robbe couldn’t help but blurt out. This was not what he wanted at all. The warm feeling that this conversation had given him vanished.  
“Yeah, I can’t tell you to confront your problems without addressing mine. I’ve never been in a relationship that hasn’t made me feel like shit.”  
Robbe was suddenly overcame with a wave of nausea, He regretted eating the croque, he regretted letting Sander into his room and allowing him to make him feel on top of the world only to send him crashing down like this. He knew he was being irrational, and Sander was fully in his right to want to stay single but he couldn’t help but feel anger accompany his sadness. Why had Sander made him so much, so soon if he had no intention of reciprocating Robbe’s feelings? He was only being nice, Robbe reminded himself. He couldn’t fault Sander for being nice.  
“Well if you think thats the right choice.” He finally replied, realizing their had been a substantial silence between them. “I actually think I’m going to shower the club off of me if you don’t mind.” He worried Sander could see right through him; through the strain in his voice, though his inability to make eye contact.  
“Of course.” Sander said standing up. “Tell me how it goes with your friends okay? I’ll see you soon.” With that, Sander and his croques left the room, and Robbe lay back hard on his bed, his head pounding. 

Robbe spent the next two days wallowing in self pity. He arrived at school on Monday to see the Broerrs hanging in the courtyard. Moyo and Aaron were seated while Jens balanced on his skateboard.  
“Ijzermans!” Moyo called out to him. Robbe approached the group warily. “We didn’t see you Friday night? You missed the hottest chickies man, we went to this bar near the pier and you should have seen the ass on this one girl.”  
“I don’t think I would have appreciated it.” Robbe replied tersely.  
“Right…though I’d think ass is still a pretty big deal among your people. Its pretty essential right?” Moyo chuckled at his own joke. Jens elbowed him, a scowl on his face. Robbe resisted the urge to turn on his heel and walk back home.  
“What?” Moyo asked, putting his hands up in surrender. “Its just a joke!”  
“Someone laughing at your jokes is a big deal right? Its pretty essential?” Robbe said acidly, throwing Moyo’s words back at him. “Well its not fucking funny. None of your jokes ever have been, and until you stop using me being gay as your punchline then I don’t want to have anything to do with you, okay?” Before they could respond he stormed off to class.  


On Monday afternoon he got a text from Sander; Hey, wanna hang out?  
Even though Robbe desperately wanted to see Sander, he had to protect his heart. And if Sander didn’t want Robbe in the same way Robbe wanted Sander then he couldn’t put himself in a position to fall further. So he texted Sander telling he was swamped with work. On Wednesday Sander texted asking to hang out again, and this time Robbe lied saying he had an appointment he had to get to. There was a persisting worry that if he kept rejecting Sander, Sander would eventually stop asking him to hang out. But then Robbe reminded himself that was probably for the best. On Friday Robbe arrived home late, having visited with his mama till closing. When he got home Milan was seated at the table, picking at a plate of noodles.  
“There you are!” Milan smiled. Robbe waved, planning to go to his room to lie down.  
“Sander stopped by.” That froze Robbe in his tracks.  
“He did?” He asked, missing casual by a mile.  
“Yeah, he dropped something off for you.” Milan stood up and headed to the counter where the was a folded piece of paper. “I swear I didn’t peak, even though I was dying to.” Robbe cautiously took the paper from Milan’s hands, brain racing to figure out what it could be. When he opened it, his mouth dropped just a little. It was a drawing of Robbe, which was startlingly accurate. He was smiling back at him, his features carefully done in soft pencil strokes. The main detail of the drawing was that he had a large lightening bolt on his face, starting at his forehead and ending on one corner of his jaw. At the bottom of the drawing Sander had written a small message:   


“Comparing someone to Bowie is the highest compliment I can give. I admire you so much for having the courage to be yourself, and I hope your friends see you the way I do. I’m always here if you need me - Sander.” 

Milan had snuck behind him and looked at the drawing. Robbe was too in awe to hide it from him. He heard Milan give a small gasp.  
“It looks like someone has it bad for you, Robbe.” This snapped Robbe out of his trance and he folded the drawing hastily.  
“No, he’s just being nice.” Milan scoffed at this.  
“What makes it so hard for you to believe he likes you?” Robbe walked to the table sitting down.  
“On Saturday, when he came over? I came out to him.” Milan joined him, his eyes wide. Milan knew this was a big deal for Robbe. “And he said all these things in return that made me think that maybe he had feelings for me. But then before he left he told me he was going to stop dating, that he didn’t have any interest. That all his relationships had just ended crappily.”  
“Well thats definitely confusing.” Milan allowed. “But you can’t discount all the things that he’s done to show you he cares about you! I mean you like him too right?”  
“More than I’ve ever liked anyone before, which is why I can’t see him anymore.” Milan scowled.  
“Okay, Robbe. Now you’re the one being confusing.”  
“If he doesn’t want to be romantically involved, than being around him will only get me hurt.” Robbe explained, feeling perfectly rational.  
“And staying away from him won’t hurt?” Milan took Robbe’s hand from across the table. “Robbe you are already not seeing your friends anymore, the last thing you need to do is isolate yourself further. I know you’re afraid of being hurt, but you’re only hurting yourself more by pushing him away. People need People, right?” Milan nodded. “I’m not saying you need to go over there and declare your love for him, but its clear he cares about you. I’ll I’m saying is that you should let him, okay?”  
Robbe considered. He considered the past couple days which he had spent holed up in his room, ignoring texts from Jens and shutting down Sander. How hard it had been to force a smile when seeing his mama today.  
“Okay.” Robbe agreed.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot goes down, including Robbe falling further for Sander, support from friends and a big confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, I'm proud of this chapter but also kind of nervous. Things are definitely coming to a head! 
> 
> Warnings: Sander struggles with his BPD in this chapter and there is a homophobic slur mentioned/used

It was Saturday night and Robbe had the apartment to himself. Senne and Zoe were out on a date night and Milan was out at a concert with a friend. Robbe had been sitting on the edge of his bed for the last ten minutes debating on whether to press send on the text he had drafted.  
To Sander: Hey, sorry I’ve been so busy. If you are free do you want to come over?  
After his talk the day before with Milan he had been considering reaching out to Sander. His reasons for and against were the exact same: he had fallen hard for the bleached blonde. He felt a magnetic pull to him and always wanted to see him, be near him. But he also knew that Sander wasn’t looking for a relationship, and given the intensity of Robbe’s feelings he felt like by seeing Sander he would only get hurt. He remembered What Milan told him, people need people. Last week had been one of the loneliest weeks of his life. He knew by seeing Sander, at least some of his loneliness would go away. So he hit send. What followed was a very un climatic minute, and then five more. Robbe tried not to get disappointed, it was a Saturday night after all, and Sander had been reaching out all week. He considered putting on a movie or something, something cheesy and not at all related to bleach blonde boys and dumb friends when he heard a knock on his door. He told himself it was probably just Zoe and Senne returning from their date, but his heart still jumped. He clumsily got out of his bed and headed to the front door. When he opened it elation filled his chest. Sander was standing in the door way, like Robbe had summoned him there through sheer longing. He looked the same way Robbe felt, tired and a little sad. He had ditched his usual tight jeans for black sweatpants that pooled at his feet, and his tired smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.  
“Hi” Robbe breathed out, taking him in.  
“Hey, sorry for not texting.”  
“It’s totally fine” He moved his body away from the door and Sander walked in slowly. “Do you want to go to my room?” He asked. Something told him Sander wasn’t in the mood to bustle around the kitchen and crack jokes. Sander nodded and followed him in. Robbe sat down and Sander followed him, and lay down, his head resting on the edge of Robbe’s pillow. Robbe sucked in a breath. The last time he had been here he had sat on the edge of Robbe’s bed, a gesture that seemed chaste. Robbe had not prepared himself to see Sander in his bed like this. Tentatively, he lay down his head resting on the other side of the pillow so that he faced Sander. The span of the pillow separated their noses.  
“Sorry, I’m not much fun.” Sander said.  
“It’s okay.” Robbe assured him. “Are you okay?”  
“Just having a lot of thoughts.” Sander shrugged. “I’m exhausted but my mind won’t stop going. I fucking hate when I feel like this.”  
“What do you usually do when you feel like this?” Robbe asked.  
Sander considered. “If I had the energy I’d spray, something big on a wall.”  
“Yeah..” Robbe asked. “What would you spray?”  
There was another long silence between them, and Sanders eyes were closed. After a while he spoke, “A fire, or a beach. Outerspace, stardust, you.” Robbe’s breath hitched at his last answer. You.  
“What do you do?” Sander asked. “When you want your thoughts to stop?” Robbe scooted a little closer to Sander.  
“I try not to worry too much about my choices. I do of course, but I try not to.” He paused, and Sander opened his eyes a crack showing he was listening. “Have you heard of the multiverse theory?” Sander closed his eyes again.  
“Tell me about it.”  
“Well its the theory that every time you make a decision the universe splits itself. And theres another universe that exists where things are just a little bit different because you chose differently. So every time I make a choice I tell myself that even if I made a mistake, there’s another me in another universe that got it right.”  
“Thats a lot of universes.” Sander said after a while. Robbe nodded softly. “And in how many universes are we lying like this?” He asked. Robbe thought for a moment, and then smiled.  
“An infinite amount.”  
“ But they are all a little different?” Robbe nodded. He thought about how in some ways he didn’t want anything to be different than how it was now; Sander close enough that Robbe could feel his warm breath against his face, how Sander’s hair was splayed out on Robbe’s pillow. But he hoped there was another universe where there wasn’t the same sadness in Sanders eyes, where they were lying closer, their noses touching.  
“What are you thinking about?” Sander asks after a little while. His eyes are only slightly open, the flutter of his lashes hiding the pale green of his eyes.  
“About all the other universes.” Robbe answers after a pause.  
“What about them?”  
“I just hope there’s a universe where I’m a little braver, where things are a little easier” Sander opens his eyes now fully, staring at Robbe. They seem to come to a moment of perfect understanding, like there was an unknown fog between them that had been lifted.  
“Can we travel to that universe?” Sander asks, his voice quiet. “For just a little while?” Robbe’s heart leaps in his chest.  
“Okay.” He answers. He shifts closer to Sander, an inch separating their faces.  
“Okay.” Sander answers and he closes the remaining distance. Their lips brush each other feather light, both of them still resting their head on the pillow. Sander’s lips are soft and dry, and he kisses Robbe sweetly, a careful exploration. Robbe returns the chaste kiss, but when he opens his eyes and sees Sander staring back at him something in him seems to burst. He raises his head from the pillow and shifts so that he is propped up on one of his elbows and hovers his head over Sanders, burying his other hand in his bleached blonde hair. He deepens the kiss, trying to convey everything he feels in the fury of his mouth. Sander kisses him back, one of his hands skating across Robbe’s back his fingertips tracing his shoulder blades. It reaches a moment where it feels like it is both too much and not enough and before Robbe can decide which one, Sander pulls away. Robbe chases his lips, and Sander reaches out, holding Robbe’s cheek in his hand. Its a tender touch, but the message is clear, and the heaviness is back in Sanders eyes.  
“I think I just remembered what universe I’m in.” He says sadly.  
“Sander..” Robbe starts, his heart breaking.  
“I want to.” Sander says. “But I can’t.”  
“Why not?” Theres a desperation in his voice he can’t find himself to care about.  
“Just trust me, okay?” The silence between them is deafening. Robbe can’t meet his eyes, can’t stop the burning feeling in his throat. He lies his head back on the pillow, willing himself not to cry, to say something. He feels Sander shift closer and for a miraculous moment Robbe thinks he’s going to kiss him again, but instead he lies his head on Robbe’s chest.  
“Let’s just have this.” Sander says. Robbe nods even though he knows Sander can’t see him. Part of him wants to be alone, and he knows being this close to Sander isn’t going to give him room to heal from the rejection. But this is overpowered by not wanting to be alone, and knowing right now that Sander needs someone too. So he closes his eyes, and feels a hot tear slip down his cheek, sliding behind his ear and onto the pillow. 

The light streaming in through the window wakes Robbe up and it takes him a moment to realize that the weight on his chest is gone. He’d been lulled asleep by the rhythm of Sanders breathing, but his warmth is gone and Robbe is alone in the bed. He looks around the room looking for evidence that Sander had been there last night, that it hadn’t been some elaborate, heartbreaking dream. But then he remembered the heat of Sanders mouth, and he knew he could never dream up a feeling like that. He wondered why Sander had left without waking him, but he figured Sander didn’t want to deal with an awkward, desperate Robbe in the morning. He checked the time on his phone. 7:50. His roommates would still be fast asleep, he should probably try to get some more sleep too, Sunday mornings were meant for sleeping in. He flips over onto his stomach and tries not to replay last night in his head. He tried to reconcile the intensity and passion of the kiss with the look on Sanders face after he pulled away. If Sander felt even half of what Robbe felt for Sander, then what could make him turn away? Was Sander so scarred from his past relationships? He remembered Sander’s words, “I want to”. Why wasn’t that enough? It was enough for Robbe. He didn’t think there was any universe where something could come in the way of his feelings. He tossed and turned for a while before he heard movement in the kitchen, he checked the clock. 9:30. He got a text and his heart leapt thinking it was Sander. Instead it was from Jens: “Can we please meet up?” He set it down, planning on ignoring Jens the way he had been doing. His phone pinged again. Jens: “I know things have been fucked up lately but I want to do better, I miss my best friend.” His phone pinged a third time. Jens: “please.” Robbe sighed. He thought about when he had ruined Jens and Jana’s relationship and how Jens had forgiven him then. He texted back: Okay. 

This is how he found himself sitting awkwardly in the skate park with Jens. They were the only ones there except for a teenage boy, around thirteen, who they had been watching in silence try and fail miserably to execute a trick. Robbe watched him land on his ass one more time before turning to Jens.  
“Are you going to say something or?”  
“Yes, sorry.” Robbe had never seen Jens look so flustered. He took a deep breath. “Look, after you came out and I told you I was okay with it, I was telling the truth, okay? You being gay has never bothered me. The only thing that bothered me was that it took you so long to tell me, that you would be worried about what I thought. But now I get why it took you so long. I spent years laughing at Moyo’s shitty jokes, not blinking when he called guys fags. And even after you came out I never apologized, I never really, you know, owned up to it. I saw you stand up to Moyo at school on Monday and thats when I realized I should have been doing that. I should have defended you more, not let those things slide. I thought they were just stupid jokes, but now I realize how that type of stuff must build up, how we were being shitty friends.So I’m sorry. For being a shitty friend. And I’m not going to stand for that shit anymore okay? I want you to know that I always have your back.” Jens looked at him nervously. Robbe took a while to respond, absorbing everything, he must have had a strange look on his face because Jens looked worried. “Is that okay?” He asked.  
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk so much at once before.” He said finally. A small smile formed on Jen’s face.  
“Shut up.” Robbe smiled.  
“I swear you didn’t take a breath for over a minute.” Jens laughed.  
“Seriously though, are we good?” Jens asked.  
“Come here.” Robbe said, and he embraced his best friend.  
Jens updated Robbe on everything that had happened while they hadn’t been talking. Aaron had devised a new plan to woo Amber which involved a cooking class, Moyo had gotten detention for catcalling a women in the hallways who turned out to be a substitute teacher, and Jens and Jana were texting more often.  
“What about you?” Jens asked. Robbe considered. Jens had always told him everything about his relationships, even the embarrassing details. If Jens was being serious and he did want to fix things, then this would be a good start.  
“Um, you know how I said that new people moved into the flat across from mine? College students.” Jens nodded so Robbe continued. “Well one of them is.a guy. His name is Sander.” Jens frowned.  
“That’s not Britts college boyfriend Sander is it?” Robbe blushed.  
“Well it is. But they broke up.”  
“And you are friends with him?” Jens asked. Robbe nodded.  
“We are friends, but the thing is..” He paused. “I like him.”  
“Oh?” Jens asked a knowing smile on his face.  
“Yeah a lot.”  
“He’s good looking.” Jens said surprising Robbe.  
“What?” Robbe laughed. Jens shrugged.  
“I saw a picture of him on Britts instagram.”  
“Stalking your exes Instagram?” Robbe teased.  
“Shut up.” Jens said rolling his eyes. “Tell me more about this Sander guy, does he like you too?”  
“I don’t really get the guy.” Robbe admitted. It felt good to vent to someone other than hopeless romantic Milan. “We’ve spent a lot of time together these past couple weeks and he’s shown me he cares about me. But then he tells me he doesn’t want a relationship. But then we kiss last night and I think he’s into it, but then he tells me he wants to but he can’t.”  
“He can’t?” Jens repeats.  
“I don’t know.”  
“You need to talk to this guy.” Jens declares. “If he’s going to say cryptic shit like that you’ve gotta get an explanation.”  
“What if I don’t like it?” Robbe asks. He’s already been hurt by Sander, he doesn’t want to be let down again.  
“Do you really like this guy?”  
“Yes” Robbe answers. In all of this, the one thing he has been sure about is his feelings.  
“And have you told him?” It crosses his mind that Robbe himself might have also been a little cryptic.  
“Kind of” He says.  
“Kind of as in you’ve told him in words the way you feel about him, or kind of you’ve stuck your tongue down his throat?”  
“Shut up.”  
“Look, if you want this guy to be honest with you, you’ve gotta be honest with him. Tell him how you feel. That way you can know how he feels. I know you don’t want to get hurt, but at least you’ll have some answers. You’ll can get with this guy and be all lovey dovey or you can at least move on. Okay?”  
Robbe nodded, looking at Jens suspiciously. “When did you get all wise?” Jens shrugged.  
"If you have two failed relationships, you learn a thing or two about what fucks relationships up. And the importance of telling the truth.”  
“Okay.” Robbe nods. “But Milan’s already made me call him my guru, so I’m not calling you Maestro or some shit.” Jens laughed. 

When he got back to his apartment building instead of going home, he knocked on Sander and Noor’s door. He took a deep breath steeling himself, which felt a little unnecessary when Noor opened the door.  
“Hey.” She answered. By the way she looked at Robbe, he guessed Sander had relayed to her at least a little of what happened. Robbe sensed that she also seemed nervous.  
“Hey, Is Sander here?” Robbe looked over her shoulder, like he might be hiding.  
“Ah, no. He went home.”  
“Home?” Robbe asked.  
“To his Mama’s place. He’s going to stay there for a little while.” Robbe’s stomach lurched.  
“A little while, like until dinner time, or a little while like you’re going to be living alone?”  
“I know he’s going to be gone for a couple of nights.” Noor responded. Robbe didn’t what to say. Had last night really been so disastrous that Sander couldn’t even live in the same building as Robbe?  
“Okay.” Robbe said after a little while, his voice small. “Well thanks.” He was about to turn around when Noor spoke again.  
“Robbe, wait.” She sighed. “Look, I love Sander. He’s my best friend.” She smiled sadly. “I know him well enough to know that he’s been unhappy for a while now. And its hurt me to see him like that. But when he met you, and started hanging out with you. It’s the happiest I’ve seen him in a while.” Robbe’s heart jumped. “I know things are confusing right now” Noor continued, “I know he’s being confusing, but please don’t give up on him, okay? He’s worth it.” Robbe stood frozen in the doorway.  
“I won’t.” He finally said. He was surprised when Noor stepped across the threshold and pulled him into a hug. He tentatively hugged back, and he felt thankful that while he had Jens, Sander had Noor. 

When he got home he headed to his bedroom and called Sander. It rang for what seemed like ever. Like Robbe predicted, it went to an automated voice message and when the beep rang out he started to talk.  
“Hey Sander, it’s Robbe. Uh I just talked to Noor and she said you had left, and I feel like maybe it has something to do with me. Last night when you broke off our kiss, you left me kind of confused. You’ve given me a lot of reason to think that you don’t want to be with me, and part of me thinks I should just leave you be… but you also told me you wanted to kiss me and I can’t forget that.” He took a breath. “Because I want to kiss you too. I want to do a lot more than kiss you.” He laughs nervously. “That sounds sexual, but what I really mean is that I want to be with you. I want to wake up in my bed and have you there. I want you to make me croques in the morning and I’ll make.. I don’t know.. lasagna or something for dinner. The point is, I want to be together. And I know you think relationships won’t work, but I want to prove you that we can. I was so unhappy when we first met and so lonely and while things still aren’t perfect, the moments I’ve been with you have made things so much brighter. And I need you to know how I feel. Because its not enough for me for us to only be together in some other universe.” His throat burned. “Please just call me when you get this, okay?” With that he hung up the phone.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, I will try to update soon! I am also on Tumblr @babyrobbe


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